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When our kids are little we get to choose who their best friends will be. We usually base our choices on how much we like their parents. It’s true. My best friend just happens to have a daughter who is the same age as mine. I can’t say whether my daughter would actually choose my friend’s daughter as her best friend, but at this age, the choice has been made for her. I suppose if I noticed that they didn’t get along or if my daughter told me she didn’t want to play with her, play dates would cease, but for now they are happy to call each other “best friends.” I do notice that when we are in larger groups of kids, they often choose different playmates. My daughter generally opts to play with boys. This could be because she is one of only two girls in her class or it could simply mean that I’m going to have my hands full in five years; probably both.
Once we start sending our kids to school they’ll be meeting all kinds of new people that we may never meet. I’ve volunteered in my daughter’s classroom and I’ve met all of the kids she’s spending her time with during the day, but I don’t really know them. I do know that they’ve taught my daughter a few habits that aren’t my favorite. On the other hand, I’m sure my daughter has taught the boys plenty of sass to take home and share with their moms. When we can’t be there, we have very little control over what our kids are seeing and hearing. What do we do, however, when we are seeing, hearing, and not liking what our child’s friends are teaching them? When you know that another child, a playmate chosen by your kid, is a bad influence, what can you do to prevent the bad influence from taking hold in your child?
Your reaction may depend on the severity of the influence and age of the child in question. It can also be affected by your relationship to the other child’s parents. If you have a good relationship and the kids are still little, you can open a dialogue with the parent if you feel there are some bad habits. It’s tricky to bring up negative topics, so be careful in how you present these issues. If you have noticed your child picking up a bad habit, it may be better to say, “I’ve noticed that my son is using bad language lately. Do you have any suggestions how to handle this?” This way you are presenting the problem without placing blame. The other parent may even respond with, “I’m sure my son is teaching yours new words.” In this situation, you have opened the lines of communication and hopefully the other parent will address the issue. Of course, if you can’t resolve the solution, you may need to put an end to the play dates. Older kids who are picking and choosing their own friends are a different story.
It’s tempting to forbid your child to play with another kid whom you believe to be the bad guy, but remember, if you put your foot down, you may risk your child either rebelling against your orders or resenting you. My suggestion is to talk to your child about the actions of his friend instead of about the friend. Ask your child what he thinks of his friend’s behavior. Ask him how he feels about it and if he’s uncomfortable with it. You could even suggest that he try to be a positive influence on his friend. If your child becomes negatively affected by the friendship, you will need to step in and take more drastic measures. History has shown that if you try to separate people from one another by force, it often pushes them closer together. If you can discuss the situation with your child in a manner that will let him know that you trust him to make good choices he will appreciate your input much more. If you try to tell him who he can and can’t be friends with, he’s going to feel as though you don’t trust him or his ability to make decisions on his own. A child who feels that his opinion is respected is likely to make better choices.
More than anything, it’s important that you take the time to listen to what your child has to say. Ask your child what the positive traits are that make him want to continue a friendship with someone in whom you are seeing the negative. Talk about whether the positives outweigh the negatives and make sure that you are helping your child make the decision for himself. When we are drawn to certain friendships, we don’t always know why. Kids are no different. They have their friends and people whose company they enjoy. Sometimes it’s just a matter of having them review the situation objectively. As I mentioned earlier, however, don’t be afraid to step in if you feel your child is in danger or you see it as too much of a risk. I definitely consider myself an over-protective parent, so I understand how sometimes, you simply have to make a decision your child won’t like and hope for the best.
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