Hey there! You’re listening to the Mighty Mommy with some Quick and Dirty Tips for Practical Parenting.
My son is almost four and has started going through a new phase. I’m calling it the “no” phase. I do not like it. I’m going to assume that I’m not the only parent going through this and hopefully, with some research and sharing of tips, I will help all of us find a resolution, if not some sanity during this difficult period. So, basically it comes down to this; my son’s new favorite word is “no.” If I ask him to put his shoes away, he looks me right in the eye and says, “No.” I’m dumbfounded. “Put your shoes away in your room, please.” It’s not a question. It’s how we’ve always done things. He’s just decided that he doesn’t want to do it. Sometimes he’ll say, “Not right now” or “I’m working on it” (which he’s clearly not) or “No, no, no, Mommy. Later.” This is one of those times where I keep thinking that bribes … I mean incentives should kick in and do the trick. “If you want to get your star on your star chart tonight, you’ll need to do what Mommy says.” “No, Mommy.” So that’s how it is. His sister freaks out if she’s threatened with losing her star. My son just doesn’t care. This is proof that what works on one child doesn’t work on every child. So here are the tips I’ll be trying over the next few days.
Stop Saying No
I will stop using the word “no” in my own conversations and responses. Seems simple enough right? I’ve been trying to use it less already, but sometimes the kids ask for things that I’m not going to let them have. It’s lunchtime, no; they can’t have ice cream before lunch. So, instead of saying “no” I’ll say, “It’s lunch time right now. We’ll have lunch and talk about ice cream later.” The idea is to change the words around to make it more positive. While I am sure that he’s already heard me say “no” several times and, of course, that’s part of the reason he’s parroting it, I still think that changing my own behavior will help him change his own. Learning by example is a great way to learn when it’s a good example of how to behave.
Offer Choices and Avoid Yes or No Questions
When asking for help, instead of saying, “Put your shoes in your room” I will say, “Would you like to put your shoes away or hang or put your cup in the sink first?” Both of these are things I need him to do, so the idea is that instead of just refusing to do one of them, he’ll choose one, do it and they move on to the next. Obviously if I have only one thing for him to do, I could give him an option of when he’d like to do it or if he’d like to do it another way. At one point he was refusing to wash his hands after a messy meal. The choice I gave him was, “Would you like to wash your hands yourself or do you want me to help you?” He said, “I’ll do it myself!” This is all I’d wanted in the first place, so that was a win for Mommy! Choices are good. Offer choices. Be aware of asking questions that have yes or no answers. When you have a child who is going through the “no” phase, asking him yes or no, will most likely end up with a negative response unless you question is, “Do you want ice cream before lunch?”
Talk About It
A suggestion I received from a friend was to ask my son why he’s telling me no. I am not sure he can give me a reason beyond “I don’t want to” but I’d like to find out. It seems like there should be a reason for his shift in behavior. I would guess it’s a control issue, but if talking about it and finding out what he’s thinking helps, I think it’s worth a shot. For example if I tell him to put his shoes away and he refuses, I can ask him why he doesn’t want to put them away or maybe ask him if there’s a different place he’d like to store them. Opening a line of communication might shed some light on his reasoning. I would love to know what he’s thinking. So far I haven’t had much luck with this tactic, but that doesn’t mean the tip won’t work for someone else.
Bring in the Silly
So, the offering choices tip did work for me on a few occasions and the talking about it tip didn’t work for me at all, but there was one other thing I tried that seemed to work most effectively. I call it “bringing in the silly.” Basically, instead of getting frustrated and annoyed with my son for refusing me, I find a way to make the task at hand fun or silly. At first I shunned my own idea because I thought that he’d look at this as positive reinforcement of his behavior. So, in a way, I’m banking on his defiance being a phase at this point and I still make sure to let my son know that I’m in charge. In this case I’ll use the example of naptime, a topic I’ll be covering more thoroughly in a few weeks. I tell my son that it’s time to read some stories so he can lie down for his afternoon nap. Of course, he lets me know that this will not happen without a fight. He won’t venture to his room at all no matter how much I coax him. So, how do I get him into his room? I stand in his doorway and say, “Oh wow! Look at that! Look in your room!” Well, what kid can resist that (the first few times anyway)? He bolts into his room and I toss him up on the bed and tell him, “Mommy is just being silly.” He loves this. Once I have him there I grab a book and start reading it in a super silly voice. He says, “Mommy, read like Mommy.” So NOW he wants his stories. You get the idea. Step by step letting him enjoy the silly time with me convinced him to follow the instructions he was so against when I first suggested them. Maybe tomorrow I’ll see if he wants to wear his shoes on his ears while carrying them back to his room to put them away.
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