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Episode Transcript

Who are You the Boss of?
Episode 106: March 21, 2009

Hey there! You’re listening to the Mighty Mommy with some quick and dirty tips for practical parenting.

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Melinda writes

I was hoping you could provide some advice about disciplining my friends' children. What is appropriate, if it is appropriate at all?

Melinda, this is a very touchy topic. It’s definitely not a black and white topic. There is so much grey area that ideas and opinions are sure to overlap. Should you discipline other people’s children when they are not in your care? Probably not. There are different relationships or situations in which the answer will be different, of course.

Dangerous Situations

It goes without saying that regardless of whose children are involved, if a child is in danger, you should intervene. If Joey is punching or biting Kenny, as a parent, you should ask Joey to stop or help remove Kenny from the dangerous situation. Sometimes it’s as simple as asking, “Joey, what are you doing?” or “Where is your mom?” You can’t put Joey in time-out unless he’s been left directly in your care so you are better off just letting him know you are watching. Also, let him know that you’ll be advising his mom of his behavior and then be sure to do so. It’s important to note that there may or may not be a reason why Joey’s parent didn’t intervene. Either way, I’d recommend that you let Joey’s parent know exactly what transpired and how you handled it.

Keeping the Peace in Your Own Home

If children are in your home and their parents are not present, you are taking responsibility for them. In cases where the children are older and you aren’t babysitting as much as you are supervising, you may feel uncertain about disciplining them. If you are unsure of your authority to discipline the child, you should discuss this with the parent of the visiting child prior to the visit. Even if you haven’t had a discussion ahead of time, a quick phone call to the parent of the visiting child should give you the information you need. If the other parent chooses not to have disciplinary action taken, you may need to request that the child return home. Depending on the infraction, you may or may not need to remove the child from the activity and sometimes just letting the kid know you’ll be calling “Mom” is enough to modify the behavior.

Ruffians in Public

When you are in public you are absolutely responsible for your own children and any children specifically left in your care. You are not responsible for other people’s kids. There are times, however, where you may feel the need to step in. As I previously mentioned, you can and should take action if someone is in danger. You should not, however, concern yourself with the behavior of other people’s kids even if they are behaving in a way you would not tolerate. An example might be screaming. I remember taking my daughter to play areas when she was smaller and several children would start screaming like banshees and run wildly around the play area. While this was probably fun for them and not entirely dangerous, I didn’t find it to be acceptable behavior. I pulled my daughter aside and asked her to behave properly as some people may not have enjoyed the high pitched squeals she was emitting. My daughter complied with my wishes. The other children did continue to run amok and eventually the screaming annoyed me enough that I simply gathered my things and relocated. In another instance, there was a young boy throwing Matchbox cars around the room. He wasn’t throwing them at other children, but one could have easily hit someone accidentally. In this situation I felt strongly compelled to tell this little boy to stop throwing his cars. His mom was sitting nearby, however and I opted, instead, to address her directly. This could have been disastrous of course, but I didn’t say what was on my mind: “Please control your child.” Instead, I said, “Your son threw one of his cars and almost hit himself in the head with it. I just don’t want him to get hurt so I thought I’d let you know.” She didn’t get angry with me for interfering because I appeared to be concerned about the welfare of her child and she stopped the behavior.

When you are making the decision to discipline other people’s children, it’s important to use your best judgment and always take into consideration your relationship with the parents. Sometimes you’ll know what is acceptable and sometimes you’ll need to ask for clarification. The best thing to do is keep the lines of communication open, be safe, and stay positive. Remember that it’s easier to tell your child to walk away than it is to make someone else’s child change their behavior.

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Comments (6) for Who are You the Boss of? | Subscribe to Comment

Sharon Says:
3/30/2009 7:35:24 PM

To Melinda: Children in your care - use your digital camera to take photos or mpegs to show the parents. If children of others are hurting your kids, separate them and call their parents to pick them up. This is unacceptable bullying/assault. Unless you can show the parents the offending child's behaviour, the parent is unlikely to believe you. You should have a sheet of terms and conditions that parents sign regarding acceptable behaviour and consequences. One clause should include termination of your care of these little villains and responsibility for all costs for medical damages to other children and yourself including your own, plus any collateral damage to property. Thrown toys or other objects must be removed immediately before a child is hurt. If the child in your care owns that toy, put it with the child's day-bag until the parents come to pick up the child. Request that the parents not bring, in this case, any more Matchbox cars to your home. You must make your home safe for all of the children. In the meantime, observe when and how the confrontations start. You can have a tape recorder set up in a way that you can push the button(s) quickly to record the events. There are some great inexpensive devices that fit in your pocket and can take photos and sound to show the parents later. I do believe in praising parents who are raising their children into good behaviour and praising children who are behaving well. It took me less than 5 minutes of polite conversation to convince two feuding pre-school children in a department store that it was to their advantage to trade off playing with their toys by sharing. I do not have any tolerance for parents who allow their children to shriek in stores. They are assaulting me with noise that sets off migraines. I have no hesitation to put my voice in command mode and order them to stop the noise immediately, from a distance. This works on two levels: the child stops shrieking and the parent is stunned into paying attention to why their child is in such distress. If the parent objects, saying, "It is my child/don't speak to my child that way.", I do not respond. It takes all the adults in a village to raise a child. Children need consistent expectations, praise for doing things well and time-outs if they cannot control themselves. So do some adults. Older children, fooling around with shopping carts, banging my ankles have the shopping cart confiscated by me and I politely order them to return to and stay with their parents. This works well, too. For toddlers and up: I picked up a great technique in England for getting young children to stop shrieking, yelling. The parent would squat to be face to face with the child and calmly state that the child was using his/her "outside" voice instead of his/her "inside" voice while they were in the store. Brilliant and effective. I observed that the British tend not to shout at their children or use the "NO!" command except when a child is in danger. As children imitate their parents, you hear the parent praising the child for being good. Parents there are far more likely to distract the child towards acceptable behaviour/activity, rather than blaming/shaming/punishing. Command voice does not mean I am shouting at them. It is the same tone and level and facial expression of disapproval that works to train young puppies. When children are too exhausted or suffering from sensory overload, there is the game called, "Pass-out pillow". The adult calls out in a cheerful voice and manner, "Pass-out pillow time, grab your pillows (grabbing one for him/herself)" and everyone lies down on the floor, puts his/her head on the pillow and closes their eyes. Exhausted children are asleep in minutes; overloaded ones get a no-fault time out. The adult should be close enough to turn off the TV and have some soft music loaded, ready to turn on at low volume. Hope some of these will be of help. Sharon

Dodi Says:
3/23/2009 6:54:15 PM

I agree with Shey. Some parents don't seem to care about how children's behavior impacts others. I care how it impacts me and feel comfortable in saying something in a reasonable manner.

Katherine Says:
3/23/2009 4:36:17 PM

As a teacher, I have found when working with small children who are out of control, It is always effective to find one child who is behaving and say..."I like the way Sarah is playing quietly!" and then the other children will want you to say that about them! Of course, you must follow through and reward their "altered - good" behavior. They also get quiet whenever an adult speaks whispers since "little pitchers have big ears" they want to know what you said. I hope this helps someone.

Shey Says:
3/23/2009 3:37:58 PM

While I agree with you for the most part. I don't have a problem with saying something directly to the child in a nice loving tone. For instance, in your example, I may have said, "Whoa! You almost hit yourself on the head with that car. Maybe you shouldn't throw them in the air?" I have always been one to say things like that. Older kids and young teens who act up will hear from me also. While on vacation last year, I was in a full elevator, and as we made our stop at the lobby and the doors opened, 4 pre-teens attempted to get into the elevator while all of us were trying to exit. They were inside and already pushing buttons while I stopped the doors from closing for the last 4-5 people and their luggage to exit the elevator. As I left, I turned to them and said, "The polite thing to do when waiting for an elevator, is to wait in the lobby until all the occupants have exited before entering." I then turned and left and two people from the elevator commented directly to me that they really liked me and the way I think!!

Ms Iris Says:
3/23/2009 1:36:00 PM

I am the codirector of a young people's group and I especially agree with telling the parents exactly what happened. With a lot of home schooling today and the possibility of molestation, some kids haven't learned that they should obey the adult who is in charge of you. Of course, this should be to the degree that they aren't being asked to do something inappropriate. It is always appropriate for an adult to keep the surroundings safe for the children in their responsibility.

Melinda Says:
3/23/2009 1:17:29 PM

when they are in your care or if they are hurting your kids.