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This week’s guest writer is award-winning author Stacey Kaye. I am excited to share Stacey’s writing with you. My kids and I have truly enjoyed her two books, Ready for the Day! A Tale of Teamwork and Toast, and Hardly Any Foot Dragging and Ready for Bed! A Tale of Cleaning up Tucking In, and Hardly Any Complaining. Stacey’s third book Ready to Play! A Tale of Toys and Friends and Barely any Bickering comes out in April, 2009. You can find more information about Stacey and the wonderful information she’s sharing at www.parentsmartkidhappy.com. In this episode, she’s going to talk to us about validating our kids’ feelings – why we should and how to do it.
Feelings….Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, Feelings
The one thing that separates us humans from animals is our need and desire to express feelings. When we’re happy, we want everyone around us to share in our joy. When we’re sad, we expect loved ones to rally around and comfort us. When we’re angry, we may seek solitude or revenge. Face it. We are emotional creatures.
As grown ups, we have come to expect to experience a wide-range of emotions daily. We wake up feeling … We arrive to work feeling … We finish a project and feel ... We spend time with our family feeling … We watch the news and feel … And when we put our head on the pillow we feel … Our emotions run high and low and everything in between.
Yet, when it comes to children’s feelings, many parents stifle or dismiss their kids’ feelings. Often, our kids’ emotional outbursts show up at inconvenient times, like when we’re late for morning carpool. Or our kids’ public displays of disappointment can be down-right embarrassing in the middle of aisle 5 at the grocery store.
What is an emotional and stressed out parent to do?
Our kids weren’t born walking or reciting the ABCs. We had to coach and guide them. And while our kids were born with the hard-wiring to feel, it is up to us to teach them how to express their feelings appropriately.
Step 1: Validate your child’s feelings.
Letting kids know you understand how they feel shows that you think they and their feelings are important. A child who feels important is more likely to cooperate and have high self-esteem. Playback what you hear and nod your head in agreement. “You really miss Daddy, don’t you? I’m sorry he’s not home now. I miss him too.” When your child cries because there is no more milk, validation will shorten the episode, lecturing on how frivolous it is to cry over a temporary milk shortage will only exacerbate the situation for you and the child. Simply validate his feelings enough to show you care (not ad nauseam), suggest alternatives and move on.
Step 2: Help your child label her feelings.
Give your child the language to express her feelings and you will reduce the amount of frustration you both feel during emotional outbursts. Soon throwing a fit will become a pastime and statements and discussions will become the norm. Children who learn to recognize and manage their feelings learn to have empathy for others’ feelings. Try, “It must be disappointing when your friend won’t share, huh?” or “Are you frustrated that you can’t tie your shoes?” And for the child who expresses her feelings inappropriately, try “It’s okay to feel frustrated/disappointed/angry, it’s not okay to hit.”
Step 3: Share your feelings.
Model the appropriate expression of positive and negative feelings. When you feel happy, share your joy and include your children in the positive feeling (e.g. dance around, give them a hug). When you feel sad or angry demonstrate how you stay in control. Ask for some time alone. Take deep breaths or count backwards from 10 in front of your child. Remember, kids learn by example.
Step 4: Become a feeling household.
When reading stories together, ask your child how the character is feeling? Or how will the character feel if this happens or if that happens? When watching TV or a movie, pause the show and ask how your child would feel if s/he were in that situation. When playing games with your children and something does not seem fair, ask how your child feels. Or ask your child how they think you feel when the child doesn’t play the game properly.
That’s it for now. Thank you, Stacey, for sharing your writing with us again.
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